I have 3 children, 8m, 4m, and 3f. I (40f) also have a husband (40m). This is long but please read as I need help navigating a situation that is heartbreaking to me.My 8 year old son is amazing in so many ways. He is confident, funny, intelligent, and kind. He is very independent. He’s a social butterfly that does best in a crowd, and makes friends easily. Often I will come down in the morning and he has made a pot of coffee, fed the cats, scrambled eggs and made toast. He can do a load of laundry start to finish. We foster pregnant cats through a local rescue, and he has assisted in the labor and delivery of multiple cats, has gently taken stillborn kittens away to be buried (it’s part of this job I’m afraid) and cried about it because his heart is so big. He helps weigh the neonates and bottle feed when necessary. He’s a wonderful little guy.He also is likely going to be diagnosed with bipolar disorder. It gallops in my family. In him it manifests as intense episodes of rage, intrusive thoughts, self harm, self hatred, insecurities, jealousy, crying jags, and anxieties. We are in the process of getting him the help he needs and I feel confident that we can get it under control.My husband has undiagnosed anxiety and fleas from his childhood (his mother is agoraphobic and paranoid). He is also very passive aggressive. He will be fine and then something triggers him (half the time I don’t know what it is) and he’s suddenly chilling the air around him, he won’t talk, he slams things around, and is in general a misery to be around. He almost never tells me what the problem is. It’s incredibly annoying to the point that I’ve wondered if my marriage will survive it.The problem is that my husband has zero patience or understanding for my son. If they are alone together, like to run an errand, they both come home in a terrible mood. He does this passive aggressive shit to our little boy who is already filled with self hatred and anger. They are, in many ways, the same person inside and they don’t mix at all.My husband is hardly ever patient with our son. He has no tolerance for him. He is never affectionate on his own, and if my son tries to hug him he barely reciprocates. Yet he is very physically affection with our two younger children. When I asked why the babies get hugs and tickles and cuddles and our older son doesn’t, he says “he should be too old” for that. My son still likes to cuddle on the couch or be held on the rocking chair and my husband asked me when is he going to stop behaving like that. Our son is 8, not 18.I don’t think he likes him. It is breaking my heart. I don’t know what to do. If I talk to my husband about it it’s always my sons fault. The way he talks to our son is like he is another adult. His expectations are too much.I need help. I love them both. And it isn’t always like this (my husband and my son share a love for electronics, computer programming, electrical stuff, etc. that they enjoy doing together, they read together sometimes, they work on projects in the workshop and my husband is teaching my son multiplication, stuff like that). But most of their interactions are negative. What can I do? What are the words that I need to say to my husband to make him understand and give our boy even an ounce of grace? via /r/Parenting https://ift.tt/3gxyWnV
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