I’ll start off by saying please don’t berate me for what I’m about to say... it will only make how I’m feeling much worse. I am desperate and looking for opinions/support.I [23F] got pregnant at 17 after knowing my son’s father for only a few months. I didn’t want a child, especially not with with the man who impregnated me, and sought out adoption (after being unable to go through with an abortion). After months of meeting with a wonderful gay couple that already had adopted a little boy, my son’s father told me he wouldn’t sign over his rights when our child was born. In the state I was living in, if I had signed my rights over for adoption but his bio dad didn’t, his bio dad would automatically get full legal custody and I would have no rights regarding my son. At the time, his father was very unfit to raise a child and I felt an obligation to keep my child and try to give him a good life.Well here we are, 5 years later and I am ready to relinquish my custodial rights to his bio dad. His bio dad has transformed into a much better man and loves/cares for my son (as well as his other two children and fiancé) very much. His fiancé is also a very loving and wonderful motherly figure to my son. I’ll admit his father isn’t the best role model but he has a well paying secure job and seems to be really trying to be a father instead of a friend to our son (there is a major lack of discipline and organization at his house). I have practically been single the entire time I’ve had my son and it’s gotten to a point where I no longer think I am capable of caring for my son in the way he deserves. I struggle financially to care for him (I was homeless 2 years ago) but I manage to get by right now. Most importantly, I think my mental instability will have a lifelong negative impact on my son. I have severe diagnosed PTSD and anxiety as well as a truckload of unresolved childhood and adult trauma that I unintentionally deflect onto my son. I hardly see him as of right now because I work nights 6 days a week but I still dread the idea of having to pick him up and get him ready for school and whatnot. It pains me deeply to admit this because I do love him. I want what’s best for him but my inability to control my angry outbursts (I have never physically harmed my son nor would I ever but I have said things that are unacceptable) is unequivocally damaging to my son’s psyche. I have a lot of guilt about how I treat him sometimes and I truly want what’s best for him. I desperately need intense, inpatient treatment to overcome my mental health issues but I’m not sure I will be able to receive that treatment soon or ever. I want to be a good mother but it seems no matter how hard I try, I am always annoyed with him and have deeply rooted feelings of resentment. I am still not ready or willing to be a mom, I have just been going through the motions up until now. I know that if I gave up my custodial rights, I would feel immense guilt and could potentially end my life due to overwhelming feelings of regret or failure. I would also not want to be absent from his life entirely. I am hoping that if I do this, I can quickly heal myself and then take him back on and be the mother he deserves and that I want to be. I think his bio dad and stepmom would be ok with me doing this and would encourage me to be involved as much as I could be, whether in person or virtually.I really just don’t know what to do at this point. I know part of me wants to be selfish and live the normal 20 year old experience but I can also recognize that I am a subpar mother at this point in time. I plan on seeking legal advice before making any moves. I’ve already spoken to my mother about this and she agrees that I am a “hot fucking mess” and that my child deserves better. This isn’t a critical situation where my child is in harm’s way but changes need to be made soon for the betterment of my son. I know my son loves me but he throws a massive fit every time he has to come with me and never calls when he’s away for a few days. We have fun sometimes and I make sure to give him lots of hugs and kisses and tell him how much I love him when I see him but there is always a point where I lose my shit over something incredibly minuscule (ex: if he crawls around on the floor like a baby).Has anyone ever done this before? If so, how did it pan out? Did you regret your decision? If so, how was the legal process when attempting to regain parental rights?Again, please be kind. I understand this is truly awful stuff for a mother to be saying about their child but now is the time where I need to be honest with myself and everyone involved. This isn’t about me, it’s about what’s best for my son and I am truly worried that my inability to control my mood/outbursts will negatively impact my child’s mental health. via /r/Parenting https://ift.tt/39sMNuS
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