I don't know how to be a better mom

I have 2 kids, a 2 year old and a 5 year old. My 2 year old is chill and I have few problems with him. My 5 year old has been difficult in every stage of his life. I so wanted to be a peaceful mother. I started out with an "attachment parenting" philosophy... Breastfeeding on demand, cosleeping, baby wearing, etc. (I don't judge others styles, this is just what appealed to me). I read parenting books and still do. I wanted to be a calm, chill, happy, peaceful mom.I am not. I ask him things nicely and he never listens to me. I try to explain things calmy and patiently. That runs out quickly and I yell. I haven't yelled at anyone else in about 10 years but I regularly yell at my defenseless small child. I snap and yell and then I cry because I feel like a POS. My mom was mean, loud, and yelled a lot when I was growing up, even though I was an easy kid (she still tells me how good I was as a child). I don't want to be like her but I am. I don't know why I have patience with my husband and mother and everyone in the world besides my child. I want to be better. I read parenting books. I try to implement new things. They don't work and he fights me all day long. I don't want to fight. I still want a nice, calm, peaceful life and parenting style. But I don't know how to be any better. An occasional date night or adult only getaway doesn't seem to help me much. I dread being with him all day long. I thought he'd be going to kindergarten this year but that is unlikely to happen due to the pandemic. I just want to be better and I don't know how. I'm considering therapy and I can't think of anything else I can try.Thank you for "listening" and I welcome advice. via /r/Parenting https://ift.tt/2CkHaRD