I never wanted children, I deluded myself into thinking maybe I did, and that I should try for my husband (we are both in our early 30's).I don't want this anymore and every day I feel more and more trapped. Obviously there is an end in sight (birth) but that is more than 2 months away and my body and life are going to be ruined by then. I am 27 weeks currently.I allowed myself to get pregnant because I wanted to give my husband the opportunity to be a parent.Throughout our entire relationship, I would have flashes of "wow, I think he really would be a good parent" and within the past couple of years I felt deeply guilty that I was keeping my husband from having the experience of raising a child.We got together on the premise of being child free. I personally was more than childfree, I basically had the stance that it is unethical to bring more humans into this world.He has known me for most of my life and knew I was childfree. He would say things like "it is a mistake to reproduce" when we would hear about people we know having kids, etc, so I always felt he agreed on my stance.I did ignore what I now consider to be red flags, like him talking in hypotheticals about "some day when I raise a kid, I would/would not do XYZ". To an extent, I have always done that too.But for me, those hypotheticals were never based in reality. His hypotheticals became laced with "longing", I would call it. My husband started saying things like "I need to teach these things to someone" when he worked through life lessons of his own or thought of things he wished he was told as a child.We both had shitty up bringings, and mine made me never want kids. He thought the same at first, but he turned more to the "I want to be a better parent than my shitty parents were" camp. I always told myself that I was automatically a better parent than mine were, because I chose not to bring my children into this world.Had those "phrases of longing" come up before we were married, I would not have married him. But he didn't say things like "I need to teach these ideas to someone", until after we were married.I feel like every part of me is ruined. I have given up my hobbies and plans, I have been suffering financially, and I feel I have let go of my values and taken a weak path when it comes to the ethical stance I always had about reproduction.My body is repulsive now, and after a lifetime of hating my body and having had eating disorders as a teen, I got into a very active lifestyle and got fit, but I had to give that up for the duration of this pregnancy.We "started trying" at the end of 2019, more like I was anxiously letting him finish inside because i also have general sexual insecurities and when he started asking to finish inside, I didn't feel confident enough to say no. Because I knew him asking to do that was more than cumming inside, it was him asking for a child.I felt deeply guilty for not being able to give him the chance to be a parent, when he would honestly be the wise, loving, provider/guardian that any child deserves.Those ideas clouded my thinking. And around the time I found out I was pregnant is when the pandemic started. So I have been pregnant and been unable to do my usual exercise that I have been doing for years, and i have been trapped at home in quarantine for this whole time too. He is an essential worker, so I have basically spent the entire pregnancy alone in quarantine until he gets home from work at the end of the day.I tried to get excited for a new life. Tried telling myself that I would feel differently ad the pregnancy progressed. Tried to think about it logically, tried to think about how birth and reproduction is actually really cool and complex and how I'm lucky that I have a body healthy enough to support a pregnancy.But the reality is, I'm a weak willed bloated tick blimp of a woman who gave up her life and boundaries for a man who married me knowing I never wanted to do this.I had a difficult few first months of this pregnancy and didn't gain weight as fast as I should have, and had to be very careful and relaxed, and I feel like a useless piece of crap that is a mediocre incubator.I am past the point of being able to get an abortion. Basically every day until around 4-5 months, I cried and Googled the planned parenthood phone number and considered scheduling an abortion. But I never did, because I thought of having to lie to my husband about having had a miscarriage, because I could never tell him I ended the pregnancy on purpose. I let the 4-5 month point pass by so I could tell myself "it's too late to get an abortion".My husband has been so excited, he never let himself fully imagine himself as a dad before. He seems to appreciate my body during pregnancy (I think I look disgusting, so it must just be because I'm housing his child). Things have been hard for me physically starting with the low weight gain issues in the first trimester, and with the financial stress that we did not expect with the pandemic, and we have had very little intimacy.Why did i let myself feel guilty about not giving him a child? He did not have to marry me. He didn't respect my beliefs or my wishes, if he thought he could change my mind. But the truth is, I'm the one who actually didn't respect myself, and let my boundaries be broken. I have no one to blame but myself.I don't know what to do in my marriage. I could have the baby and leave it with my husband. But I have to divorce him in that case. My personal insecurities led me to feel inadequate, and I made this choice to "impress" my husband or something? I don't even know.I'm so disappointed in myself and how my life is turning out. I'm ashamed that I'm bringing another innocent human into this awful world.This turned into more of a rant than I thought and I appreciate anyone who read to the end. I have not spoken to anyone in my personal life about this. I don't speak to a therapist because I was forced to do that in childhood and I do not form the necessary bonds with therapists that I need to be comfortable talking to them.Edited formatting via /r/Parenting https://ift.tt/2F0h9Yu
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