BACKGROUND: I have three stepdaughters, ages 8, 7 and 5. The 8 and 7 year old are Irish twins and so consider themselves twins although the 8 YO (A) definitely has more in common with the 5 YO (C). You can read more in my post history if you want but A and B are both medically complicated/neuro-divergent. A has ADHD and suspected ASD. They live primarily with their mother- we have around 25% custody and are locked in a legal battle trying to get more..A is 8 but is very immature for her age. This year (hopefully) will be the first year she attends school and will be around other children. In general, while their mother loves them, she is very introverted. She does not host/attend playdates and the only kids my stepdaughters know are each other. A was born very preemie (3+ months in NICU). She is in therapy (multiple therapists) and takes three anti-anxiety medications. I have been in their lives for three years and I have a very good relationship with all three kids. They love me, are excited to see me, etc etc..THE ACTUAL ISSUE: A and C are best friends. They are attached at the hip. But several times a day (ramping up for sure) A will become overcome with jealousy out of nowhere. It generally happens when C is doing well at something. We will be all sitting there playing Minecraft and then A will start gritting her teeth and scrunching her face. If I don't ask her what's wrong she'll keep doing it until she suddenly lashes out and either grabs a handful of C's skin and then squeezes and twists it or she'll just hit C...usually directly in the face..If I ask her what's wrong she'll just start shrilly yelling "C thinks she's better than me. C told me that I'm stupid. C said she hates me!" This is also what she yells after hurting C (since her Dad and I immediately look at her and she knows she's about to be in trouble). If we point out C never said any of those things she will weep uncontrollably and say something to the effect of "That's what she was thinking. She is the stupidest biggest dumbest baby." Any repercussion (time out, talking too, losing screen time) is met with a full blown balls-to-the wall meltdown tantrum. She will scream, punch the wall, wail, cry, yell that she hates herself, yell that she hates her sister, yell that she hates her life, etc..This happens constantly. Or at least 3-4x/day and takes 30-45 minutes from start to finish. It will happen if we are outside and C is off playing by herself. A will be hanging out with me on the porch. Then C will call up "Look at how long I can hang on the monkey bars!" We watch for a few seconds. Then A runs down the stairs, runs up to C, and socks her in the stomach. Then immediately starts wailing that it isn't fair C is good at everything and she (A) is a stupid little baby moron who everyone hates..I had sooo much patience for this a year ago. I obviously understand she's 8 and I can tell she's struggling. She feels insecure and self conscious. She knows she loves her sister. She is having a hard time controlling her emotions. She is a neuro-divergent kid suffering from isolation, divorce and a pandemic. But we've tried everything. She goes to therapy. She has so much anti anxiety medication. I've read books! Plural! About how to talk to her. We have calm talks about recognizing your emotions. About big emotions. About coping. About breathing. About different strengths. We give her compliments on the stuff she does well. Specific compliments as suggested in publications such as How to Talk to Kids Will Listen. But it still happens. All the time. And my patience is running out..A is getting meaner and meaner too. Her insults have begun expanding to "I wish C was never born. I hate C. I hope C dies." The last time she was here and she started down this whole "I hate C" road I just turned the game we were playing off and told her to go to her room. She threw herself onto the floor and started this awful howl about how I love C more. I just told her that I love her but I'm not going to sit around and listen to her say horrible things about her sister. A few hours later when she tried to start up I told her that while I love her I am not interested in hanging out with a person who says such mean and unnecessary things. I told her that she's entitled to whatever her feelings are but that just because you feel something doesn't mean you have to say it- especially if it is nasty..I love A dearly but I do not want to be around her when she says horrible, ugly, unprompted things about her little sister. I want to start telling her that regularly but I also don't want to mess her up emotionally. I guess I'm having a tough time balancing the mental health component of each kid..In the past we take A to her room and have a conversation about big emotions and then she can apologize and return to the activity. But I'm starting to become really concerned about C's long term mental health. Shouldn't the adults in her life act strictly and potentially angry on her behalf? Why is this continuing to ramp up? Do we need to just hold fast with compassionate parenting? And if so how do we help C not internalize this constant barrage of nonsensical insults and violence? This honestly keeps me up at night. I love all three children so much but I really hate this side of A even though I know it comes from a place of childhood insecurity. via /r/Parenting https://ift.tt/3m372px
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