So my wife (V, 40, I'm 37) was late with her period for a few days this week and a pregnancy test has confirmed that she is expecting. This, in itself, was highly unexpected since we've had sex three times since January but never mind.Now, on the surface, we have all the perfect conditions to have a second child. We both have great jobs we love, money is OK, we're healthy and our son (M, 3) is thriving and lovely to be around. (heads-up: this post is very focused on my feelings. I am not trying to be selfish at all, I just need clarity and advice on how I feel.)However, getting to this point was absolute hell. Early on, in our relationship, I was adamant I didn't want children. And while my wife never made it an ultimatum, it eventually became a dealbreaker. When confronted with choosing between my wife and a child, or neither, it seemed like a no-brainer. We conceived super easily and the pregnancy went perfectly. The birth was a little trickier and required an emergency cesarean, which left V completely exhausted and tired out.Sadly, in the days and weeks after M was born, and at a time when V required my fullest emotional and physical support, I went to absolute pieces. I fell into a deep depression, had suicidal ideation, didn't connect with M for a long time. This wasn't helped by the fact that M was a terrible sleeper for 2.5-3 years and I essentially became used to surviving on 4-5 hours sleep max. I have been taking care of him almost every night, V is a very heavy sleeper and simply doesn't hear him. The entire thing almost broke us and V quite understandably took a long time to forgive me for what she felt was me not being there.But we got through it, more or less. I went to a lot of therapy, counted on the help of some amazing friends and watched M grow up into a happy, chill, curious little boy. I now have a phenomenal relationship with him, we're both early birds and we go tromping round the countryside together in the morning.And while I love spending time with my son, one of the main coping mechanisms I developed was by telling myself this was the only time I would go through this. Each milestone reached (sleep regressions, teething, learning to walk, etc) and the stresses and pressures that accompanied them could be dealt with because they would be one-time experiences.And my relationship with V has never been the same. This is far more common first-time parenting things, of course, but we have not been anywhere near as close as we used to be. She refuses to accept I ever had depression (she says it was just me adapting) and I feel has become used to just steamrolling any negative emotions I might feel. I have accepted this because I have a good circle of friends whom I can turn to for this. And while we are mostly pleasant to each other, our sex life has dwindled to almost nothing, we rarely go out for dates and we're both very absorbed in our work and raising M.However, V has always been adamant she wanted a second child. I have always been adamant to the contrary. She has a little sister she is very close to and wants the same for M. I have sisters but am very distant from them all and I also couldn't fathom risking going through it all again. This was very much a conversation we couldn't compromise on since we both held such opposite views. The whole idea had gone away for the last year due to M and now the lockdown but suddenly, she is now pregnant.For her (and I understand this completely), it's her dream come true. It's the four-person family she wanted. She feels that the fact I overcame that depression and now have a great relationship with M is proof it won't happen again. I feel like, just when I was beginning to get a hold on things again, to have balance in my life, to be in a mental place where I could be fully devoted to my son while having time for me, everything is at risk again. My relationship with V is not in a good place, still, certainly not strong enough (in my view) to survive the stresses of a 2nd pregnancy. I am certain it will break us apart.Of course, if she has the baby, I will fully support it in every way. But I fear it will be apart.I would love to hear any perspectiive or advice from a group that has provided me with so much of those things in the last 3 years. via /r/Parenting https://ift.tt/2CNVySl
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