I'm not entirely sure where to start but, my husband's mother (I'll call her J) is emotionally toxic towards my husband(28) and now our kids (B-age 9) (G-age 7). J has always utilized guilt trips on my husband and I bringing up every time she has helped us and how she babysat me all those yrs (she's been in my life since I was 6 or so), but she was a great example of how a grandma should be while around the kids. Until recently that is, last 1 1/2 - 2 years. She went to court on behalf of a man she barely knew (let's call him K) and told the court she would provide a home for him and take him to probation/parole officer regularly so that he could go on parole. We started seeing a major change in J after K was released. K was convicted of drug trafficking and usage. K began taking J on drug runs and she let him. He also began physically abusing her. She confided in me each time and showed me the videos/bruises. I felt bad for her and empathized. She would go back and forth of loving and hating him, with him not with him. It was a Rollercoaster. A few months of this passed. She was still in close contact with the kids at this point even trusted to babysit them. One day she was to babysit and asked us to drop the kids off with her at her friend's house that she was helping fix up. No big deal our son is best friends with the friends son. We asked her if she was sure she didn't need a car seat for our daughter nearly 6 at the time as she didnt keep one due to her car being up for repo. She swore up and down that she didn't need it as they weren't going anywhere in the 2 hrs that she was watching them. Well come to find out she drove our kids home no car seat. The only way to get to our house which was a short 2 minute drive away was to get onto a dangerous highway. She never apologized for it only justified it as she's a safe driver. Side note shes a mail carrier who backed into our car less than a week after we bought it. We told her that we don't appreciate how she handled that situation and moved on, no one was hurt after all. Then a short while later J watched our kids again. By this time K was back in jail for parole violation (continued selling and using drugs). She asked us before we left for the evening if she could take the kids up to the jail so she could visit K and we told her absolutely NO we told her we don't want the kids anywhere near him or the jail (he was already banned from our home and our kids, which she violated by having him at our home but waiting in the car outside). So after feeling we made it quite clear to J we went out to spend much needed adult time with friends. After we arrived home we were informed by J that she did indeed violate our wishes and took our kids to the jail to visit K. We were devastated. We feel that our kids had no business in a jail visiting someone who wasn't family. She refuses to apologize for that incident either and justifies it with "they were never in danger and didn't actually see him except on a screen." After that night she was told that she would not be allowed to babysit or be alone with the kids in any way. She of course rebelled and was mad/ rude towards us.Through all of this she was lying to the family telling them all how great he was. I did something I regret and probably shouldn't have out of what I thought was love and fear, I told the family about the abuse he was committing and why her visitations with the kids were greatly reduced. Since then she has been against me and I'm the ultimate enemy. She still had some items in our daughters closet from when she lived with us for a time and she had a key to our home. So J asked us one day if she could come grab the rest of her stuff from the closet and we told her we weren't home and she said that's OK she was in a hurry. OK fine. Well we have a security camera in our living room, we were all curious about the shenanigans our kitty was up to at night and while we were away, we caught her on camera stealing a candle from us. I really don't care about what she took but we were appaled that she would feel it was OK to steal from her son. So my husband confronted his mom. J explained that she needed it incase her storage unit didn't have a light. Im sorry but a little 2 inch candle isn't going to light up a storage unit. Sheis known to be slick and quick to come up with excuses to get out of situations. So after that my husband made her relinquish her house key. That pissed her off.Anytime she would be allowed to come visit the kids she wouldn't talk to me or when she did she was very short. My husband began not wanting to allow her over and restricted her even more, I had to talk him into allowing her the few times he did as I came from a very broken home and didn't wish that for him or our kids. Well J didn't like the restrictions and started showing up without an invitation after being asked not to many times (I know big surprise). Every unannounced visit she would bring up K and related issues with all of us in front of the kids. Then one of her final unannounced visits before we told her we didn't want her around the kids J stopped in during dinner and left 5 minutes later saying directly to the kids that she had to go because "mom and dad didn't want want her around anymore." She proceeded to storm out. After that we told her that we were cutting all contact between her and our kids. Both my husband and I told her as a united front. Fast forward 2 months later to this past Sunday Aug 2, the day before our daughters 7th birthday. She knocked on our screendoor, wanting to visit the kids and give our daughter birthday gifts. I informed her that that wouldn't be allowed and we still didn't want contact with her. She then became angry asking for her son while forcing her way inside. She asked him if he agreed and he told her absolutely. She began shouting about how we were being ridiculous and controlling. She began all out yelling at me being so mean shouting the most hateful things at me. I shouted back that she needs to leave or we need to take it outside so that the kids werent hearing her being so hateful. They were only a few feet away. She yelled "no I want them to hear all of this!" She proceeded to bring up my past and how me not knowing my dad is all my fault, she knows how hard I've worked to find out who he is. She knows that even my mom doesn't know who my father is. She said anything she could muster to hurt me. She was quite successful as my previously, nearly controlled PTSD symptoms have resurfaced with a vengeance. I don't even feel safe in my home. I absolutely want 0 contact with J from here on out but some members of my husbands family have been also guilting us for this decision saying that we are harming our kids by keeping them from J and that a loss of relationship with the kids could cause J to be suicidal. I feel bad cause up until 2 yrs ago J and our kids were pretty close lots of visits and staying the night with grandma. I don't want to cause them mental harm by keeping them from her but at the same time fear she may cause them mental harm. They are already expressing that grandma made them sad by being mean to mom and dad and they don't want to see her. More than likely my husband and I will continue with the no contact whatsoever rule till they are atleast teenagers and tell them that while J and mom amd dad have issues we want them to form their own opinions about if they will pursue a relationship with J and mom and dad will not be upset either way. We are actually now weighing the idea of getting a restraining order/anti harassment order against her, we don't wanna be rash in this decision so right now we are mulling it over, as she clearly doesn't respect our wishes and boundaries. We love her but we are done with the lack of respect and toxicity. If you got this far I'm sorry it was so long and thank you for your time. via /r/Parenting https://ift.tt/3gugext
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