Hi, my name is Will and this is my first ever post on reddit. I am usually just browsing but never got to the point of actually written anything till now. Also excused my grammar or spelling if I made a mistake anywhere.I am writing this because I really want to get this off my chest (Sorry this is a long post or not?). I am at a point where I feel like I am having a mental breakdown or exhaustion just thinking about it and I don't know what to do, say or think. I also think it is starting to affect my every day activities as well.I am currently married, me myself is 37 years old and my wife is 38 years old. We had been trying to conceive for about one and a half years now. Last week I found out my wife was finally pregnant and the baby currently is in his/her 6th week. We have been talking about having a child and also this is a now or never time as well because of complications of pregnancy 40 years and over. When she told me that she was pregnant, the first thought was that I am happy and sad at the same time.Here are some background information why I am happy and sad at the same time. For jobs I am a UX designer/ front end developer and my wife is a supply teacher for K-8. Last November I lost my job from where I was working due to budget cuts or covid or both, while my wife still has a job teaching online. I used this down time to fix my portfolio & resume and have been applying for jobs for about 4 months now. I got to the point during those 4 months where I sent about 70+ resumes out and all I got were rejections or no responses. In the end, only 1 of them I got an interview all the way to second round but did not get the job. I think it was around end of May that I took a few days to figure out what I really want to do for the future because getting rejections or no responses were making me really depressed.At this point in time, I was also doing a few side gigs based on my field of work and also as a hobby I post home workout techniques on Instagram for fun. These side gigs however were here and there and not a reliable source of income nor my hobby actually pays anything. During those few days at end of May was when I decided to start my own business in creating websites with a friend because we both had skills sets that benefit each other and cover our weaknesses. Another reason was that getting let go from my previous place made me realized that you are expendable in any company. Doesn't matter how good you are or how high you are up the ladder. They can find any reason to toss you out the wind in a blink of an eye. Also at the same time, I also wanted to start a YouTube channel for my workout routines since I have a lot of down time between each of my side gigs. The YouTube thing was suggested by another friend since he asked me why did you not monetize your workouts because it is something you seem more passionate about than your actual work or side gig. So this also got me thinking maybe I should consider that option.Here is my dilemma. I feel like with this new baby on the way. The things that are upcoming that I wanted to do. I won't ever get a chance to because taking care of a newborn is going to be taxing and most likely I won't have the time for it. New business? That probably is going to scrapped. YouTube channel? That definitely has to be scrapped because I need time to film and edit videos. So in the back of my mind, I am like "WTF, my dream/passion ended before I even started and I won't even get a chance to see if it will be successful or fail either".People can say you can following your passion and achieve your dream when your kid gets older, however will I even have the same drive for it compare to now? Since, right now, I have all the time in the world because I lost my job, and my focus is more sharp towards the new business and YouTube. However with a newborn, I definitely need a stable income, so those two ideas are too unstable to be achieved right now. It's eating me inside that I am sacrificing all my dreams/passion to once again searching for soulless jobs to pay for things and helping someone else achieve their dreams instead of my own. I also do not want to wake up one day in my 70s or 80s and regret not doing something I love and now I am too late for it.So in conclusion. This is why I am happy and sad at the same time. I am happy my wife is finally pregnant after all the times we tried and sad because I am losing what I really want to do to an upcoming newborn child.Just want to know what new/current parents think about this?Note: I have already talked to my wife about this. She does not have any answer for me. I also hear from people that having a child is rewarding in the end but at this point it seems the opposite.Thanks for hearing me out.Sincerest of Regards,Will. via /r/Parenting https://ift.tt/3vheiii
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